Bird Signs
by elfchicks
Summary: Has Priam gone too far? PG for tickle torture scene and jumping off walls.


**Bird Signs **

_Aranel Carnilino, Encaitare Alcarcalimo, and Sulky; 2004_

_A/N: Has Priam gone too far? _

"Bird signs?" questioned Hector dubiously. "You want to plan a strategy based on bird signs?"

Priam's eyes widened. "Do not mock the gods!" he thundered vehemently in shock and horror. "The signs from the gods are infallible! So are the gods' priests! It is a sign! Yesterday, a small bird perched on a living twig beside me while I was meandering in the garden. It crapped. That was a specific sign from the gods! We are going to win this war."

The priest went to the edge of the wall and peered over. "My king—!" he started to say, before he was interrupted.

Another larger bird flew over the wall and landed on Priam's head. "It is a sign!" Priam yelled. Before the priest could decide what it meant, the bird flew back over the wall and out of sight. "No!" cried Priam in anguish. "Come back! Come back!" Before he could think, he found himself leaping over the wall. He commenced flapping his arms manically, but to no avail. The insufficient wings didn't slow his descent. Hector rolled his eyes in disbelief.

"You keep watching the birds," he said. "Good luck. Unlike you, I have a city to protect."

Priam hit the ground. "That must have been a bad omen," he surmised as he peeled himself up from the ground. Without warning, a flock of colorfully plumed birds flew over his head. "Ah! Un volatide! (A bird sign!)" he yelled, waving his arms like a maniac. Then, he dropped to his knees.

"It is a sign from Apollo!" He raised his arms to Heaven in silent prayer. Hector was observing Priam from his bedroom window with keen interest. His father was beginning to concern him. Something needed to be done. He snatched Paris' bow and arrows and took aim. Priam felt an arrow in his butt.

"It is another sign from Apollo!" Priam yelled in delight. "What can it mean?" Hector sighed in exasperation.

"It means you need to shut up about stupid bird signs!" he yelled through the window.

Priam looked up. "Was that the messenger of the gods speaking to me?" he asked himself. "I thought I heard a voice."

"How stupid can my father get?" pondered Hector aloud.

Suddenly, Priam looked up and saw a swarm of crested Eagles circling the pinnacle of the sky. Then, one by one, they began to fly rapidly towards him.

"Signs!" said Priam. "So many signs! Apollo curses the Greeks!" The birds flew over his head and craiged. Priam was so filled with joy that he began to cry.

"I am a blessed man!" he sobbed.

"Blessed indeed!" yelled Hector. "You need a bath!" At Hector's command, a troop of Trojan warriors opened the gate and dragged King Priam back inside.

"No, no! Stop!" cried Priam King. "I will miss the signs of Apollo!"

"You are going to get a bath!" stated Hector defiantly.

"But the water is cold," protested Priam, "and I'll get all pruny!"

"So?" responded Hector. "If it is the only thing that will hinder you from speaking of bird signs, then so be it!" He handed Priam his rubber-ducky.

"Besides," continued Hector, "if you stay outside, you will miss all the signs that are going on in the bathtub."

"Oh," said Priam, "you mean like bubbles? I love bubbles! Bubbles! Bubbles, bubbles, bubbles, bubbles! My bubbles." Priam squeezed the duck, making it squeak.

"Ah! It is a sign!" he yelled, leaping in the tub, causing a tremendous splash that drenched Hector.

"Eyek! Stop splashing!" ordered Hector, shaking himself like a wet dog. "Or I'll come in there and make you stop!"

"But it is a sign!" cried Priam enthusiastically. "It's a sign that I'll get soap in my eyes if I stay in here!"

"What is with you and your signs?" said Hector, shaking his head in disbelief.

"That was the most beautiful thing I've ever heard!" cried Priam, teary-eyed. "Summon the priests! You are speaking for Apollo!"

"Farewell, Priam," said Hector, finally fed up. "I'm going outside to eat my lunch where I can have some peace from you and your signs!" When Hector had gone out and shut the door, he heard from within: "It is a sign!"

"Finally some peace and quiet!" Hector sighed, sitting down on the sandy plain. Suddenly, a seagull swooped down and snatched the sandwich out of his hand. Hector heard an unwanted voice flying past him shouting: "It is a sign from Apollo!" Hector noted Priam sprinting top speed toward the Greek camp. He was wrapped in a royal beach towel that said "Priam" on it in bold blue letters. He was being flanked by at least fifty priests. The entourage was a flurry of overly pompous robes. Priam was still a ways ahead of the others, but they were gaining fast. They were all yelling: "It is a sign!" Hector had had enough. He ran back to the city so he could watch the show from the walls. Priam was tackled by Achilles, after which the priests bowled him and all of the Myrmidons over.

"It is a sign!" they all cried. After this event, Priam and all the priests were tied to posts and submitted to a cruel tickle-torture. Priam was first.

Achilles did the honors. "Stop talking about bird signs!" he yelled in disgust, while tickling Priam.

"He-he, no I couldn't possibly!" laughed Priam. "He-he, it's too much fun, he, he, I can't resist!" Achilles tickled him for a good week, but Priam wouldn't stop talking about bird signs. Every time he saw a bird, he would yell: "It is a sign from Apollo!" The Greeks were so annoyed, they finally loaded all of the priests and Priam into Achilles' chariot and sent them back to Troy, after which, the Greeks sailed home. That is, most of the Greeks. Unfortunately, Agamemnon and Menelaus were so bent on sacking Troy that they refused to leave. Well, that was just fine as far as the others were concerned. Therefore, they left them alone to try to find a way to sack Troy without any men and about equal to half a normal man's brain between the two of them. Consequently, day after day, they would pound on the gate with their useless swords, hoping that one day the gates would simply crumble inwards. They waited a long time.

As for Priam and his bird signs, Hector was surprised. Yes, the bird signs had saved Troy, against his far superior judgment. For years afterwards, Priam was renowned as "the king who defeated Greece without a sword". However, he always had nightmares about being tickled by Achilles.

**Finis **


End file.
